I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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