Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
