I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
