We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize