I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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