like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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