i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
