I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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