thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
