When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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