you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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