I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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