I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
