I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
