Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
