Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
