she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize