My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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