So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
