Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
