Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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