i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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