My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
