Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
