nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
this is an emotional support booty call
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
