Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I don't deserve a penis
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize