I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
