I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
