My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it because I queefed?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
