i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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