Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
