My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize