Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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