If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
