theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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