Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
