I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
