my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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