We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
