i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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