dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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