I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
