I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
