I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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