my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
