You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
