drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
