he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
