the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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