"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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