Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
