Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
