i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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