and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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