I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
