I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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