Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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