Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
