i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
