You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
