I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
