So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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